Condom Nation: The Pilot [script]

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Sunday, ‎June ‎15, ‎2014

Telemarketers "Episode One"

Condom Nation- Sales Room Floor-  Beverly Hills, CA - 9:15 AM

Steve- Ever since we moved from Compton to Whitman's office, Allie, you have looked so depressed. Are you ok?

Allie- No. Take me to the pound.

John- Take her to the pound. She mutters.

Steve- Allie, why are you crying?

Allie- It's my dog.

Steve- What happened? Oh no, don't tell me...

Allie- Yeah, he's gone.

Carlos- (singing) He's gone, and nothing's gonnna bring him back! He's gone!

Allie- Shove it spic and span.

Steve- Easy there, girl. Tell me about it.

Allie- Well, you know my three year old sister, Bell?

Steve- Yeah, what happened?

Allie- She gave my eight week old Rottweiller a  bath. She did it without asking, Mom was in the kitchen making brownies...

Carlos- Special bake!

Allie- So anyway, she decided she can dry the dog off faster. She sticks him the microwave on high for twenty minutes.

Steve- She NUKED HIM?!

Carlos- (SINGING) Nuke a pup! Nuke a pup! Hear him pop! Poppy POWER!

Allie- (sobbing) I miss him. Maybe if she had just let him on defrost...

Steve- Sorry Allie.

Condom Nation- Whitman's office- Beverly Hills, CA

Whitman- (aloud to his computer, typing) To Morrow. I snowboard. Good. I am goofy, but equally as regular. Not talking about the Metamucil I took this morning. Wait, maybe I am. Board shitty. Oops I crapped my snowboard pants, board, and bindings. Shit sticks to me like you wouldn't believe. You know. Need my funny bunnies. This shit stinks. To Morrow I believe, a new board would relieve. Please send, and I will endorse. Sincerely, EMINEM.

Condom Nation- Lunchroom- Beverly Hills, CA

Carlos- What ya making?

Dick- Lunch.

Carlos- What is it you are nuking?

Dick- Just a dog.

Carlos- Nuke a pup! Nuke a pup! Hear it pop!

Dick- Dick's good, though, no. Ow! That puppy's hot! Pass the pot holders?!

Carlos- Yeah, got a dime. Why? Wanna get stoned?

Dick- Yes indeed. Everybody must get stoned.

Condom Nation- Sales Room Floor- Beverly Hills, CA

Larry- You couldn't sell a condom if you weren't getting fucked.

Mark- Aww. That's wrong. Besides, who sells a condom when your getting laid? You just give it to em!

Larry- Fag.

Mark- Aww! Come on man!

Larry- Yeah, it's like, hey look babe! I know you're hot and bothered, but these things are a lot of dough. You want me to mount? I want two fifty!

Mark- Two fifty?

Larry- Yeah, that's what she gives me.

Mark- Per condom?

Larry- Yeah, she's pretty much taken to blow jobs lately. Got laid off.

Mark - That's a beast.

Larry- Yes indeed. Yes indeed.

Mark- You should switch.

Larry- What, I go down on her?

Mark- No, you moron. Try the unlibed, unribbed, no flavor blast o packs! Cost her a quarter!

Larry- How big are they?

Mark- Big package. Small condom. Better feeling. Than what you're getting.

Larry- Really?

Mark- I'm not giving you a demo.

Larry- Nah. I'm kind of partial to the fact that she gets on her knees to impress me everyday. I feel like a God. Besides, my dick is huge!

Mark- So is her mouth then I guess, huh?

Larry- You aren't kidding. Makes Steven Tyler look like...well uh...who has a tight ass mouth?

Tick- Yo, did you just say she's giving you tight ass to mouth?! And you're drinking out of my Gatorade? You kiss her goodbye this morning?

Mary- Oh my God, now we know why his breath always smells like shit! It is!

Cat- Hey, I know a dentist who can take care of crappy gums if you're interested?!

Larry- Twenty five cents huh?!

Mark- Beats the shit out of, well, SHIT, you know?

(crossing into the scene from off left)

Mary- (to Carlos) Fuck you!

Carlos- You would!

Mary- Damn straight I would!

Carlos- Unless I develop leprocy! At which point... (singing) Doo, doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo...You can't touch this!

Mary- Freak!

Carlos- You know it!

CONDOM NATION- MEETING ROOM- END OF DAY

Whitman- Alright, tomorrow's team day!

Allie- Are we playing fag football again?!

Dick- Hey, It's powder puff!

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD- CONDOM NATION TEAM DAY EVENTS- AROUND NOON

Whitman- Alright, huddle up! Third and seven. Clocks winding down. We gotta go downtown. Lets get it right. Don't let the sound of the crowd...

Dick- Alright, give it to us already!

Whitman- Alright, here it is. Rape the golden cheerleader on three. Rape the golden cheerleader on three. Ready? Break?!

WHITMAN AND THE REST OF THE TEAM LINES UP AGAINST THE DEFENSE.

Whitman- Big slut! Cummy whore! Loose lips lezzy!

FROM THE SIDELINES...

Steve- Fuck, sacked again! You see that shit?!

Trip- Audibles are obvious coach! If you can get your mind off of Mary while making the playbook, we'd be alright!

Steve- Those aren't audibles.

Little Timmy- Yeah, he did that on his own.

Trip- No, he did HER on his own! That was the cadence.

Trip- More like de- cadance. Get it? Decadance?

BACK ON THE FIELD

Whitman- Alright, huddle up!

Dick- Man, we ARE huddled up!

Whitman- Get in CLOSER!

Carlos- Wear deodorant!

Whitman- Alright, we are going for it!

Dick- No, you serious?!

Whitman- Slimy nut cheese on three. No on four. No, on second thought...

John- Slimy nut cheese? I musta missed that one?!

Whitman- What else is new?! What do you know?!

John- Watermelon and fried chicken!

Whitman- Alright, wtaremelon and firend chicken on two! Watermelon and fried chicken on two! Ready?! Break?!

John- Watermelon and freid chicken by the way, is the most racist slur that you could have possibly named that play!

Whitman- Had to get you to remember it right?!

SIDELINES...THE OTHER SIDE ( THE DEFENSE)

Mary- Alright, this looks like watermelon and fried chicken.

Al- Mmm... Hmm... (eating)

Tick- Do you spit or swallow?!

Al- Seeds can germinate in there man...

Mary- Yeah, watermelon and chicken, he's lining up on the puddle.

Al - (with a full mouth) What is it?!

Mary- He fumbles on the puddle, falls on his head, and then bombs it like Chuck E Cheese or some shit to John...

Tick- Yes, I'm on it!

Al- Hey, where are you going?!

Tick- Getting my keys man. Chuck E Cheese ain't going down alone. Last time I got fifteen thousand tickets from this three year old! Mom made him carry the bag!

Mary- What'd you get?!

Tick- Two super balls, and a wooden paddle.

Mark- Suit yourself.

Tick- Will do. See you Monday!

CARLOS FROM THE FIELD:

Carlos: (singing) Chuck E Cheeses, where a kid just can't get shit!

Whitman- Ok. That's the end of game folks. I don't want to get sued on company time.

John- I missed the whole watermelon and chicken thing. On the wrong side of the fence. The fence. De- fence next time. Spittin and grittin!

Whitman- Ya snooze ya lose! Probably some rinds in the trash though. I'm bringin em home to my dog. I'll give you a good one if there are any.

John- Listen, just cause I lived on your couch for two months, doesn't mean you can make homeless jokes antime you like! It's like every other line, man!

Whitman- Hey, be what you are. Pure and simple. We got BUM equipment for ya! Now go get the truck and empty the trash! This fields a mess!

John- Think there's any recyclables?!

Carlos- Trip cleared a thirty pack! It's at the bottom of can one! MIght wanna use gloves for that though.

John- Puke again?!

Whitman- Only three or four times this time. And we didn't feed her, so you should be ok!

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************MONDAY MORNING- DOWNTOWN JAILHOUSE- 1AM

Seargant Whitey- Alright, your out.

Carlos- I knew I hadn't lost it. Just because I had to lose it, doesn't mean that I lost it all. You have to be lost to be found.

Whitey- Get lost kid.

Carlos- Is this the lost and found?

Whitey- Do you wanna get dressed?! You're making my wee wee shrivel up!

Carlos- Yes, sir. There's the box. My lost stuff is found.

Whitey- I wouldn't be so sure kid. But, believe me I don't want your junk!

Carlos- Is there more junk in the trunk, though?!

Whitey- If I'm not officer Whitey. I'm Whitey. Whitey say there be the day when the junk in the trunk has it's way with all of the prisoners. Just ask Officer Bubba. Now bend over and get the shit out you ass!

Carlos- Whitey, you scaring me with all of this shit in the trunk and stuffing me with it like an ass! Little help here Whitey?! Where do I score it some more?

Whitey- Kid, you'll refer to me as Officer, and if you do that again I'm rebooking you.

Carlos- Crooked Whitey!

FIVE MINUTES LATER (TEXT ON SCREEN)

Whitey- Alright, when you get the buzz you can go.

Carlos- That's not what you said Saturday.

Whitey- The door, asshole.

(DOOR BUZZES)

Whitey- Alright, GO!

Carlos- Thank God! I didn't lose it!

PULLS OUT A BAG OF EXTREMELY GREEN WEED AND BEGINS ROLLING A JOINT ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR...

OFFICER 1- What do you think will happen to him Sarge?!

Whitey- I hear the Mormons are out in force this morning...

Officer 1: Really?!

Whitey- Uh huh.

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