S'Up [standup comedy]
It’s that time of year again, SUPERBOWL.
(Write it in lights on the marquis with a wave of your hand)
I love football! Anybody in here like football?
(throw a pass while saying, then point across the audience)
Football is great! I played football back in High school, love the game.
One thing I did notice when I was playing though, was the Quarterback’s infatuation with the centers nuts.
(ward off a grab with crossing “safe” arm crosses over your nuts n knees n wink)
That’s gotta make the guy really uncomfortable, don’t you think?
(be uncomfortable, higher nervous voice)
I mean is it REALLY NECESSARY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY FONDLE THE GUY’S NUTS before EVERY PLAY?!
Nut ONE! ( Enthusiastic but wiggle , crouch and tap first nut) Nut TWO! (wiggle and tap second nut)
Nuut NUT NUT NUT NUT NUT NOouT NuuuT! (tapping every time)
(long pause)
That poor center must be like “why couldn’t we start the play on ONE?!
Then I only get ONE uncomfortable nut smacking”
And then of course there is the fact the poor guy gets felt up and then attacked IMMEDIATELY!
Now if that isn’t confusing…I don’t know what is.
It’s like being MARRIED!
(yell) It’s NUTS!
(long pause)
(now calm) Nuts.
(segue)
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t I guess.
QB gets in the huddle and is like “time to NUT UP fella’s”
(*long pause)
Went out to T.G.I. Fridays a short time ago, great place, was watching some football and having a tasty dinner, getting ready for dessert, and the waitress brought us the dessert MENU.
I had ordered one of those dinner deals, you know like appetizer, entrée and a side and a dessert from a special menu.
So I’m checking out the desserts all my people will choose from…
(hold your hand out as if reading the menu)
New York Cheesecake, that looks good (nodding emphatically) ,
Banana Split, another scrumptious choice (mild disbelief nod slowly “nooo…”), German Chocolate Cake, decadent goodness mmhmm… (thumbs up)…
(slowly deadpan, hand in the outstretched halt motion)
Then I see my one and only, lone and lonely choice…
(Start reading actions)
Dinner meal deal dessert comes with:
(slowly and anunciated)
CUP – OF – DIRT.
CUP OF DIRT?!
What the HELL IS THAT?!
(timed pause)
Then of course the waitress comes back and asks me, like I HAVE A CHOICE “and what would YOU like TODAY?!”
(slow and childish)
Ummm… a c…c…c…Cup Of Dirt?
That looks yummy. (rub tummy)
Toddler across from us is like “I’ll have what HE’S HAVING! I had that last week at DAYCARE!”
I’m trying to make it look good so I throw in “extra topsoil?”
(timed)
Which elicits no reaction of course. She just says “ok” and walks away (hand walking)
*Can’t wait to get my Cup of DIRT
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